Most of the squirrels that roam the campus are known to be spies of president Roger Taylor. Thusly, they are fat and sassy. Some squirrels are black, but others are scraggly. If you sit on the Gizmo patio long enough you might get to see a squirrel climb into a garbage can in search of fries or the famous Q's brownies.
This year, however, a small group of squirrels have left the employment of president Roger Taylor, and moved into their own elite paramilitary operations. Beware, for they will steal your food, invade your pants and attack you from the trees with twigs, pine cones and other small leafy objects. These squirrels have been spotted training to play dead by falling off benches, so don't be fooled by their antics.
 Documented attacks
Recently, a few squirrels invaded the dorms of Seymour 2 and launched a surprise attack on passing students. With water guns and water balloons, they bombarded the student populace, framing the innocent radicals that live in that building.
Squirrels have also been sighted breaking and entering into Raub 1 and stealing abandoned flip-flops on Flunk Day.