Flunk Day 2009

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Fuck you, collegians!

Track the (sometimes) elusive Flunk Day throughout Spring term.

Is it Flunk Day yet?

Traditionally, close monitoring of lawn-mowing and the whereabouts of potential friars can lead to a general impression as to when Flunk Day may occur. However, this year the student body can take extra steps to ensure they know, without a doubt, when Flunk Day might, perhaps, possibly occur.


Admissions

A more accurate prediction may in fact be possible if there exists a member of the Admissions Office (student Ambassadors will do) who can relay details about the touring/visitation schedule. Empty days are less likely than one would think. Days involving large groups of guests from one location (ie. school or youth groups), and days where descriptions of visitors are mildly vague, are more telling. Large groups and vague visitations have been known to be scheduled on the big day, such was the case on Flunk Day 2006.


EMT class

Find out who is in the yearly EMT class, taught by paramedic Mike Howard, and warn them to stay abreast of any potential hints within the class or GHAS. Indeed, they may need to pay Mike to call them the night before, as he is rumored to find out when GHAS will need to be on alert.


Online calendar additions

For those who check the Events Calender daily (as all Flunk Day enthusiasts should) be sure to notice any changes that occur in the schedule from week to week. It will probably be most effective to memorize every days' events for the months of April and May each morning before class, so that detection of said changes may be easier.


Note that the calender is not bound by the honor code; some events may be made up. Additionally, even though a sports event may be scheduled, Flunk Days have occurred when the softball team has had a game, or the golf team has had a tournament.

Helmut

If, by some chance, you happen to be out getting drunk with Helmut, try asking him when it is.


Parking lots, and Residents

On occasion, several large vehicles (trailers and such) have been spotted in parking lots around Galesburg, the day before Flunk Day. If you have a car, its best to do a scouting of the large parking lots around town daily. Often the residents of Galesburg get an idea its Flunk Day before the campus does. Residents have noted seeing parking lots full of these vehicles, strange goings-on at Wal-Mart, and other activities indicative of a "large drunken orgy" of sorts. When the petting zoos, and carnival equipment roll into town, the residents notice.


Pammy

Keep close tabs on Pam. This is key.

Rumors & Scares

The first generally known Flunk Day scare occurred around 4:30 a.m. on Thursday, April 16. Subjects stormed Seymour and the quads with a bullhorn and a hammer to bang on what appeared to be a mini-keg. They were apprehended by two members of campus security on West St. One of the guys was a total dick about it, but the other one was cool.


Sunday, March 1

In a surprise move, Xavier and the Flunk Day Committee may surprise campus with the earliest Flunk Day ever, coming even before Winter Term finals ... Ugh. Too soon?

Sunday, March 29

Ah, the Flunk Day Season has arrived! With the season, of course, come various mostly-unfounded claims about the exact date of Flunk Day. If this is your first Flunk Day Season, do not fall into one of these common ruts when deciding on your predictions:

- Flunk Day is Tomorrow.

- Don't assume that all events on the calenders actually exist.

- Don't rely on the forecast. Rain just helps in the making of the mud pit.

- Don't believe any of the Upperclassmen. Ever.

- On second thought, do listen to the Upperclassmen. Why would they steer you wrong?

- Don't believe any of the Faculty. Ever.

- No matter what Xavier Romano claims, Flunk Day will not be on a Friday.

- The Flunk Day planners will not give you clues as to when the actual day is.

- Everything they say and do may just be screwing with you. Always keep that in mind.


Considering the semi-promising weather we have been having, and after a cursory look at a few schedules, my official prediction for Flunk Day 2009 is Tuesday, April 14th. But that's too early, really. It would probably make more sense if Flunk Day were Wednesday, April 29th, especially considering that the 14th has already passed.

Tuesday, April 14

Obviously, Flunk day was not today.


Wednesday, April 15

A precursor to Xavier Romano's official Flunk Day Letter came today.


[From Dean Xavier Romano]

Imagine sometime last evening, a first-year Knox student--thinking themselves rather savvy and seasoned having made it through two terms at Knox--picks up their cell phone and rings me near midnight. Just imagine that.

So...I reach for my cell--of course, thinking there is some "situation" on campus--only to hear a woman's voice asking in earnest and with all seriousness, the following (transcript of the phone conversation): Frightened First-Year (FFY): "Is this Dean Romano?"

Dean X: "Yes..."

FFY: "Dean Romano, is that you?"

Dean X: "Why yes...are you ok?"

(giggles heard in background)

FFY: "So, it is you?"

Dean X: "What do you want?"

FFY: "Is tomorrow Flunks Day?"

Dean X: "You mean Flunk Day? It's not plural."

FFY: "Yes, that's it!"

(turns to others in the room and says...)

"It's Flunk Day and not Flunks Day"

(laughter can be heard in background)

Dean X: "Go to bed. No; tomorrow is not Flunk Day--too cold and not enough Flunk Day scares. Clearly, tomorrow (today) is not the Great Day of Flunk...so, go to bed, do what it is you do, but know that Wednesday is not Flunk Day."

FFY: "Thank you, Dean Romano. You're telling the truth, right?"

Dean X: "Go to bed. On something of this magnitude, would I lie? No--mislead, reshape, rephrase, misquote, or omit intentionally...possibly. Lie? No."

(phone hangs up) But I am reminded to share with one and all Knoxies who dare...the Season of the Flunk has come to Knox College. Be afraid...be very afraid =-O and have a nice day!

-Dean Xavier

The Flunk clock has now started...you are so advised. More Dia de Flunk info coming your way soon...very soon indeed!


From this letter, we can conclude three things:

1. Xavier must get a LOT of drunk dials.

2. The First-Years are in desperate need of a committed Scaring.

3. Flunk Day is obviously tomorrow.

In honor of Dean Romano's "coy little wink" from last year... ;)

We can also conclude from Xavier's email that Flunk Day will, in fact, be on May 5. There is nothing on the calendar for May 5, and Xavier threw in the "Dia de Flunk" reference as a clue. What better day for Flunk Day than Cinco de Mayo?

Thursday, April 16th

In possibly the lamest flunk day scare ever, students living in the quads were woken up at 4:45am to hooligans with a megaphone shouting "Come outside it's FLUNK DAY!!" However, due to the fact that today is Admitted Students day, students knew that it could not be flunk day and were annoyed for being woken up at 5 am for no reason whatsoever. Robert David Carey was pissed off. --

Wednesday, April 22

Even lamer "Not-Flunk Day" scare at 7:39am, by some sillies alerting the campus that, indeed, "It's not Flunk Day!!!".

Thursday, April 30

So its Thursday. What does that mean for those members of the Knox community who can't wait to get piss drunk, baked, and then laid all within the first 23 minutes of their day? It probably won't happen today. Don't be completely crushed, 'tis possible, but Flunk Day 2008 was on a Thursday which doesn't boast well for those predicting April 30th. The golf team will be away at a conference, and the baseball team has two away games...which, frankly, doesn't mean shit. But, if you've been paying attention to the action on campus, you know that its probably not today.


Tuesday, May 5

"El Dia de Flunk" is for sure a convincing sign that Flunk Day could happen on this day, but Xavier is not the man to drop hints. Clear schedule yes, but perhaps we are being short sighted. We can be sure that Flunk day will not happen on a Thursday (as the day of happening tends to vary from year to year) so the prospect of Tuesday cannot be denied. However the likeliness is lessened because of the Karen Hawkinson is running an event. Don't cross Karen Hawkinson.

It is nearly certain that an apprehension of Pam, wherein she becomes inebriated and is subject to a fair amount of nitrous oxide, will reveal if May 5th is the day.

Let's keep in mind that there is an art department field trip to Chicago on this day, and that this trip is planned in accordance with flunk day (at least, that's what has been the case every year before this one). Mark Holmes also told his Art 351 class that the Art Dept. made sure that Flunk Day was not on this day, as it would cost the Dept. thousands of dollars if students did not go on the trip (as buses are rented for the trip.)


Also, Tri Delta has the Oak Room reserved for their Pansy Dinner in which many alums are coming in. Honestly, this is a serious event and why would Dining Services book this day if it was Flunk Day? Anne Taylor would not have allowed this.

Wednesday, May 6

Calender reveals that the Graduate Record Exam Prep Course is scheduled for today. Do not be fooled. When has Knox ever put the GRE before the Flunk?

It is the day of the Blood Drive. This would really piss off the American Red Cross.

(And make May 5th even more of a possibility)

Wednesday, May 13

Probably the last day Flunk Day could occur would be today. It generally does not happen this late (the latest it has been in approximately 6 years was Flunk Day 2007 on May 8th), none the less we know our friars like to feel original. They try to be tricky, we must always remember this. Some might say today isn't likely because of the NCAA Golf Tournament in Florida, however, it is important to remember that many a sports team has been royally fucked over in the past (see Flunk Day 2007 and Flunk Day 2008). Additionally, there is a GRE prep course which barely matters (see Wednesday, May 6). In all likelihood Flunk Day will happen before this day, but we cannot rule it out. One thing is for sure, if you have not acquired the traditional alcohol stash by today, you're screwed.

Friday April 17

The following email was received from Dean Romano:

Today is NOT Flunk Day

Indeed, today would have been a perfect day for Flunk Day. One glance at the weather, a look toward the sky, and a touch of our Midwest wind, all tell us that today would have been a perfect day for Flunk Day. But no! Admission had to have its Open House with all the "prospies" and their parents around and we've been told to be on our best behavior.

Argue as I may as your loyal and unwavering Dean, I attempted to articulate to both President Taylor and uber Vice President Steenis that had Flunk Day happened today, we would have had 100% fall enrollment of those who were allowed to participate in the Day of the Flunk. The greatest concern, I'm told, was that the parents (aka mother and father of the prospies) would force their sons and daughters to enroll at Monmouth College while they (the parents) enrolled at Knox. Sadly, our housing is not designed for individuals of such amorous relationships that, ultimately, resulted in said prospies.

While it is true that there are those among us who disdain and dislike the Day of Flunk, such as Salleha Chaudhry and Elaine Wilson or even some professors, I am convinced that we can overrun the Villa or their offices, on call, if need be. Be aware that there are some anti-Flunk Day dissenters in our midst!

Wishing one and all a wonderful weekend. Be nice to the prospies and remember that Monday could be "El Dia de Flunk!"

-Dean X


Sunday, April 19

Deana Rutherford, Editor-in-Chief of The Knox Student, received this e-mail from Jenn Snider at 9:41 p.m. on April 19:

Deana, I was wondering when you were going to have the Flunk Day issue of the TKS ready. I know you all had started working on it a while ago, but I haven't seen it yet. I need to have it ASAP if you want it to go out on the big day. Let me know when I can get it from you! Thanks! Jenn

Deana replied to the note stating that Jenn would receive the issue by Tuesday, April 21, and asking if there was a concrete deadline for the issue's receipt. Her weaseling was unsuccessful:

As with all things Flunk Day related, all I can tell you is the sooner the better! Jenn


The week of May 3rd looks particularly suspect. so does the week of April 27th



Monday, April 27th

10:03pm Group of students from Longden 1 (and Ben Robbins, and Conger 3 and Neal 2 and Bekah Bally) begin making the mud pit. Soon after, Campus Security interferes and ends the fun. Longden 1 is suffering heavy fines. Oh well, such is the life of a Knox Flunk Day enthusiast. Rub some dirt on it. Note the absence of the all male floor of Conger 1 that consists of Brett Daley, Lei Wei, Mego, Zirkle, Jordan Ball, Bill Schaefer, Alex Davis, (Cute) Bob Dempster, Matt Goedeke, Josh Livingston, Danny Stafford, and Scott Pinker. What a bunch of pussies! They should have known their responsibility upon receiving their roomming assignment for the year.


10:50 PM Pam's status says she is tired and going to bed.

11:30 PM Pam is heard outside of Four Name saying something about Vodka... wait, wasn't she in bed? Flunk Day?

11:44 PM Pam and another Union Board member leave the Gizmo after a short meeting. Neither one got anything to eat or drink. A notebook and a laptop were sighted.

It should be noted that there are two real softball games on Monday, April 27th. Says who? Not the calendaaaaaaaaaaaaar! If you go to the sports events it does say the MWC Tournament is tomorrow morning. If you go to the Midwest Conference website the Tournament isn't scheduled until May 1-2.

11:58 PM Clown cars spotted by Kaldi's

12:15 AM Clown Cars were relocated to an empty lot near Henderson and Losey

12:38 AM 90% change of thunderstorms all day tomorrow, give it up.

12:38 AM Also, the quickie lady told me last week flunk day was this week... Apparently the school tells them in advance so they dont run out of booze/sunchips for the rest of their customers... But due to the imminent rain, its totally going to be rescheduled. Give it up.

12:47 AM Pam is seen getting into a mysterious vehicle outside of her house...wasn't she supposed to be sleeping?

12:53 AM Activity in mail room confirmed

1:00 AM Begin drinking! Today is Flunk Day.

1:03 AM Elaine Wilson answered her phone; not flunk day. So what, maybe she hasn't been picked up yet. Resume drinking!

1:12 AM This is such an elaborate scare. Love it.

1:24 AM Making of the mud pit resumes. Some Conger 1 residents grow a pair and help out.

1:40 AM Sig Nu's outside helping making mud pit!

1:40 AM Chris 'Mittens' Johnson confirms activity in the mailroon and while on his taco run also confirms sighting the Clown cars.

1:45 AM Pam is seen outside of Sigma Chi.

1:50 AM Unmarked 17-passenger vans towing trailers sighted in the parking lot of American Value Inn (Main St. by the roundabout). (Truth: there are 4 vans and only one has a trailer, and it's small)

2:05 AM Alumna (AND PAST FLUNK DAY PLANNER) Meryl Leventon spotted loading a duffel and multiple shopping bags into current senior (and SUPPOSED flunk day "hater" (didn't you wake people up last year? hmm?) Jenny Davis' car outside of Knoxcrest. Jenny did not pick up her phone when called.

2:27 AM Activity in quads comes to a screeching halt. Mud pit diggers go back to Conger and Neal. Oh well...it's been fun. Maybe Tuesday or Wednesday. Goodnight.

2:29 AM Lights still on in mail room.

2:34 AM Pam's favorite color is Kelly Green. We would have also accepted chartreuse.

2:35 AM Pam not yet asleep. Spotted commenting on Facebook, including Sam Jarvis's status update in which he claims to know when Flunk Day is. This is highly suspect. The light in her room is on!

2:46 AM Flunk Day updates are getting obnoxious.<--No, YOU'RE getting obnoxious. Zing!<----WOW I really don't know what to say back to that!

JENNY DAVIS IS NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE. DO NOT CALL OR TEXT HER. SHE WILL TELL YOU THAT IT'S NOT FLUNK DAY, AND THEN SAY THAT IF IT WAS, SHE WOULDN'T TELL YOU. SO FUCK HER

2:56 AM What is the lastest???? I NEEEEEED TO KNOW!!!!!! Does the storm really not cancel the prospects of tomorrow being the big day???

3:00 Pam Schuller is currently on Sigma Nu porch, and she may be intoxicated! I repeat, Pam is drunk on SNu porch!>--------------------This a false statement, she is in fact in my pants at the momoent.

3:03 AM I have erection. Tomorrow is definitely the day of flunk.>---------you and me both have one. >--------- Yes, but mine is bigger.

3:08 AM Investigated the sightings at American Value by peaking in the vans and trailers. Definitely looks like air compressors. Your mom's an air compressor, and if your mom is an air compressor, then tomorrow is Flunk Day fo' sho'.

3:12 AM Yeah but it is pouring!!!

3:12 AM Nope, sightings of clown cars are false (a hoax) and Pam was just hanging out at Sigma Chi. Not enough information, and it's raining. Game over! <-- don't believe it. Flunk day is tomorrow.

03:15 AM Und wenn Sie nicht gestorben sind, leben Sie nach heute....>------this is America, you need to speak American

3:15 AM I just called Jenny Davis and had phone sex. I lasted 20 seconds and then she proceeded to tell me flunk day is tomorrow.

3:19 AM Santa Clause's sleigh spotted over Old Main. A notable lacking of Rudolph at the front. It's flunk day.

Wednesday, April 29th

Two home baseball games against Illinois College appear on the Knox events calendar, but the Illinois College schedule says they are playing Knox on May 2nd. After careful investigation, this game was a reschedule from earlier in the season. Clearly, Knox updates its athletic calendar with more frequency than Illinois College

Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies! Lies and slander, slander and lies!