Marnie Shure
Marnie Catherine Shure (February 10, 1989 - present) is a Creative Writing darling at Knox College. She is well known for her pithy witticisms, her image-driven poetry, and her charitable donations of candy to needy moochers. She is also very good looking. Watch out!
Contents
Family and early life
The facts of Marnie Shure's family and early life are shrouded in mystery and legend. Most sources indicate that she is descended from a line of Amazonian warrior women, displaced during their numerous polemic catastrophes to the greater Chicagoland area. Her mother, searching for a husband with nothing but several leopard skins to her name, eventually stumbled upon a broody Bruce Springsteen fanatic, and they were quickly married. Marnie was their second child. While the rumors of Marnie the infant eating her older sister are largely unsubstantiated, photographic evidence suggests that Marnie, at 12 months, could have easily physically dominated a child as old as nine.
Her parents finally settled in Lagrange, Illinois, where Marnie was to spend the rest of her childhood. She became a prominent member of her Girl Scout troop while simultaneously mastering the piano. Her family was large, and she learned to deftly coordinate social situations to ensure that all participants were appropriately charmed. Certain Shurologists maintain that it was during this formative period that Marnie developed a taste for both malted milk balls and utter tyranny. It was clear, even from this early age, that Marnie was destined for greatness. Nothing would stand in her way.
The "Friendliest High School in the Nation"
Marnie harbored fond memories of her beloved alma mater, Lyons Township High School. She made several friends in the theater department, and served as a drummer in the school's marching band. Both required extensive knowledge of kissing games, which she would call upon in her later years to orchestrate a fun time for all.
Knox: The Final Frontier
Year One
Marnie arrived at Knox College in 2007, taking up residence in Campbell 4 with all the rigor and militarism to be expected from an Amazonian/"The River" interbreed. There, she became acquainted with current bestie, Mary Reindl, and arch-nemesis, Rachel Perez. She became a WVKC co-host with Mackenzie Loyet, and was thus able to spread her influence to both Knox and the Galesburg community at large. Through a complicated system of alliances, forged via Play-Doh penises, suicide documentaries, and Fall Out Boy, Marnie quickly rose to power in her freshman year.
Year Two
Marnie's sophomore year was spent living in splendor with Rachel Perez as her roommate in the Post 8 Confederacy. Joined by the colonial powers of Sigma Nu (Matt Stephens, John Perleberg, Emman Mascarinas, and Sean Frohling), Alpha Sigma Alpha nee ATP (Sarah Colangelo, Paige Barnum), the theater department (Meredith Noseworthy, Pier Debes, Ryn Flynn), as well as a host of independent states, Post 8 boasted rapid industrialization and Kultur, nurtured by Marnie's charismatic personality. The P-8 often found herself ideologically opposed to Steak Haus, and many feelings were hurt in the largely pointless "irony warfare" battlegrounds. Though the period symbolized the woes of modernization/hipsterization, Marnie remained strong throughout, ushering delight into the state through Superballs and viewings of Jeopardy!.
Year Three
A period of darkness cast over the first third of Marnie's junior year. Marnie's time in France was harrowing, and though valiant efforts were expended in the attempt to remove her from the dread confines of her French dormitories, she was required to finish out the term in Besançon. Upon her return, she assumed her position of influence immediately, bolstered by her instigation of Forties Wednesdays and involvement in such media publications as Cellar Door and Catch.
Questions that remain unanswered
Tuberculosis
Many individuals close to Marnie have found themselves afflicted with a disease that half of America assumed was imagined by Hollywood in order to bring a tidy conclusion to the hit musical Moulin Rouge. Studies conducted on the link between Marnie Shure and tuberculosis have thus far yielded inconclusive results, but medical facilities recommend exercising precaution.
Complexion
Hungarian countess Elizabeth Bathory bathed herself in the blood of thousands of virgins in order to achieve a creamy white complexion. There is a distinct lack of virgins at Knox College. Have we allowed history to repeat itself?
