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| − | Nia Kelly is a Ghost, Cryptid, Scammer, or all of the above, that has been terrorizing the Knox College mailroom since October 2018. Dozens of packages, of all shapes, sizes, and weights, have arrived for Nia Kelly, mostly from Amazon™. No "Nia Kelly" has ever been a student, staff, or faculty member of Knox College since its founding in 1837. If you have information on the whereabouts or traits of Nia Kelly, please contact Sherrill Zaric at szaric@knox.edu, assuming Nia has not already injured, trapped, or otherwise incapacitated you. Techniques from reputable sources, such as "finding bigfoot" and "ghost adventures", have so far yielded no concrete evidence of Nia Kelly's existence.
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| − | '''There are a number of theories surrounding the mysterious Nia Kelly:'''
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| − | == Amazon-Zaric Cartel ==
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| − | One of the most plausible theories regarding the mystery of Nia Kelly is that Nia Kelly does not, in fact, exist, and is instead a front for Amazon™ to ship illicit goods to their chief Northeastern Illinois Distributor, likely Sherrill Zaric or a higher up in the Knox College administration. The details of their underground organization remain a mystery, but upon discovery of evidence of aforementioned illicit deeds, Nathan Wright '20 would like be included in any lawsuits aimed at Amazon™, with respect to his efforts at uncovering this mystery.
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| − | == Ghost Shopper ==
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| − | Another, more popular theory, is that Nia Kelly is in fact a ghost of a 19th century widow from Knox County with unfinished business or who died under malicious circumstances. Upon discovering an ability to use or manipulate the internet, Nia Kelly became infatuated with the incredibly futuristic idea of ordering anything online with Amazon™, and managed to sign up for a credit card. Despite lacking the ability to sign for or even steal the packages she ordered, Nia Kelly continues to order more and more packages, in the hopes that one day she will reach materialist transcendence, and peacefully pass on.
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| − | == Credit Card Scam ==
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| − | A theory that is largely regarded as "implausible" and as a "borderline-conspiracy" by the Nia-Hunter community is that the mysterious Nia Kelly is a false name used in some sort of credit card and/or identity fraud, in which someone may be ordering random packages to know college as a smokescreen for more insidious purchasing behavior. Such far-fetched theories are rarely discussed outside of local Nia-hunter conferences, and should be ignored with no further evidence
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| − | == Name Confusion ==
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| − | One theory that is, granted, unlikely, given the great duration of time over which Nia Kelly has terrorized and confounded the mailroom, is that Nia Kelly is the Pseudonym of a very real Knox student. This theory presupposes that said student:
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| − | '''A. Listed a name not associated with Knox when ordering packages to Knox College,'''
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| − | '''B. Orders several Amazon™ packages a week, on a college student's budget, and'''
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| − | '''C. Continues to order several packages a week, despite having never recieved any of packages or approached any mailroom staff about missing packages'''
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| − | Given the above, this theory is extremely unlikely. If you are Nia Kelly, please come to the mailroom. You will need solid proof, and you have a lot of explaining to do.
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| − | == Basically the plot of "The Terminator" ==
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| − | Some theoreticians have posited that Nia Kelly may be some kind of robot, android, or synthetic human. According to the theory, Nia is using Amazon's extremely confidential and controversial TimeShip (patent pending) technology to ship herself back to a technologically primitive time, such as 2018-2019. Due to the strict package dimension regulations of a tyrannical future government, Nia was forced to ship herself back in several pieces, and can only rebuild herself (presumably to either save or dominate the world) when all parts are gathered in a single location. for this reason, it is recommended that not all packages addressed Nia Kelly are kept in one place, although the large number of furniture and appliances ordered by students makes this largely implausible.
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| − | [[Category: People]]
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