Velociraptors

Velociraptors were actually only 3 feet tall. Michael Crichton's popular novel Jurassic Park and subsequent Spielberg film greatly exaggerated the strength and size of velociraptors.

The Truth

The above description is a classic example of the shamelessness and skill employed by the velociraptor/velociraptor-apologist in lulling we humans into a false sense of security. In actual fact, velociraptors will fuck your shit up...physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I myself was once on site at an archeological dig with my parents in the early-to-mid nineties. Upon seeing an image of a velociraptor skeleton, I said ignorantly, insolently, "That doesn't look very scary. More like a six-foot turkey." It was then that the rugged, misanthropic leader of the project turned to me and delivered a monologue I shall never forget--nor should any of you.

You'd get your first look at the six-foot turkey as you move into a clearing. But raptor, he knew you were there a long time ago. He moves like a bird; lightly, bobbing his head, And you keep still, because you think maybe his visual acuity's based on movement, like a T-Rex, and he'll lose you if you don't move. But no. Not velociraptor. You stare at him, and he just stares back. That's when the attack comes - - not from the front, no, from the side, from the other two raptors you didn't even know were there. Velociraptor's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns, and he's out in force today. And he slashes at you with this--a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the middle toe. They don't bother to bite the jugular, like a lion, they just slash here, here--or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. Point is, you're alive when they start to eat you. Whole thing took about four seconds.

Be careful out there, folks.

Other Theories

Velociraptors were Jesuslike in appearance, strength, and spirituality, reason enough for the cultlike following they have at Knox College.