Matt Ahlquist
Contents
Mahlquist[edit]
Matthew Matt man Marcot Manquist mahlquist megabus Matthew Barney Ahlquist is an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in flannel wrapped in a rolling paper. He has, upon frequent occasion, self-identified as; "a white, obviously straight, male." He drives a fork lift.
Mahlquistian Dynamics[edit]
In the field of Mahlquistian dynamics, some basic rules must be established. First, we must note that our normal notions of space-time are essentially reversed. This is most clearly exhibited in mahalquistian discourse. The use of the oft-quoted "nononononno" can be deployed both introversivley and extroversively. While at time, and the sounds and images through which it is articulated have been criticized for being convoluted, riddiculous or nonsensecical, the reception and lasting influence of his work and ideas indicate the lasting influence of his work and his ideas. In this way we can begin to see the anti-tautological facets of mahlqustian discourse. Thusly, the lasting resonance of his work demands an analysis of mahlquist as more than a charlatin; demanding investigation that is approaching and illuminating the ideas and processes that have formed his work (see Ladies). Mahlquist's love of milk is more than a symbolic gesture. He likes suckin on a titty. He don't mean nothin by it. He just like suckin on a titty in order to induce in mahlquist a state of "lactose-consciousness" and permanent dariological visibility. Mahlquist rarely buys his own milk. While milk has remained constant, there have been extensive variations in the drinking habbits.
Drinks of Choice: A Short History[edit]
While milk has always had its seat at the throne of Mahlquist's drinking pantheon, other beverages (primarily alchoholic) have come and gone.
Infancy to First-year: Milk (two glasses at each meal)
Sophmore: Micky's (three in a night was the record)
Junior: King Cobra (for your safety, nothing more should be mentioned)
Senoir: Schlitz Bull Dyke (high-five!)
Dopplegangers[edit]
He also looks like that one guy from Death Cab for Cutie.
the guy all the way on the left! you should try to get his autograph!
The Taint[edit]
"The taint is surprisingly easy to rip. In fact it is a pretty common thing. People rip girls' taints all the time. You're just doing it, then you look down and there is blood all over your boxers. Then you get blood all over the hallway floor.Then you don't do it for like two months but it's like blowjob city Population me (see mahlquistian dynamics)."
Stalker[edit]
Matt was stalked by a homosexual named Ed Washington during his sophomore year of college. Ed threatened to kill Matt, calling him repeatedly in the early morning hours for about two weeks. Ed was subsequently expelled and is now in the Navy.
