Students For Flunk Day Truth
- 1 The Great Founding
- 2 The Contentions of Students For Flunk Day Truth: The Damning Truth
- 3 A First Edition Print From The Students For Flunk Day Truth Committee
- 4 Demolishing The Truth: Administrative Woe
- 5 Speculation As To The Membership of the Students For Flunk Day Truth Committee
- 6 Finding A Scoop: The Unavailability Of Committee Members
The Great Founding
Born in the early hours of May 2007 an undisclosed number of dedicated students, pledging allegiance to truth and the continual battle against the academic gluttony of the East Coast Ivory Tower Intellectual Liberal Elitists, sought to bring truth and enlightenment to the students of Knox College by making them aware of the mass hallucination known as Flunk Day.
After composing an eloquent manifesto of sorts the SFFDT published, in two separate documents on two different mornings between the hours of 1:30 a.m. and 3:30 a.m., their word on sheets by the hundreds, making use of the free prints granted by the college in an attempt to educate their fellow students.
The Contentions of Students For Flunk Day Truth: The Damning Truth
In the middle ages the rouge Persian, Hassan-i Sabbah indoctrinated an elite squad of assassins who pledged unswerving loyalty to their master by drugging them unknowingly with massive amounts of hashish and granting them access to his personal harem where they reveled until passing out. When they awoke, they believe they had seen Heaven by the grace of Hassan-i Sabbah, and were forever at his service.
Today, something very similar is occurring on the campus of Knox College. Under the guise of a carnival of merriment lurks a twisted plot to make Knox students the unwitting soldiers of the East Coast Ivory Tower Intellectual Liberal Elitists. Every Knox student is required to take Freshmen Preceptorial, known by its slang as FP. Under the false banner of “finding one’s way,” students actually undergo a Manchurian Candidate-esque brainwashing process wherein a seed is planted via films, literature selections and lectures to await later activation. It is a seed that lays dormant throughout winter and most of spring term until ‘Flunk Day’. On ‘Flunk Day’ a high powered signal is sent out via the WVKC broadcasting tower that causes the seed to bloom in students’ minds creating a collective hallucination of a day-long utopian celebration of liberal hedonism and moral abandonment. When the day is over, with no expense to the pocketbooks of the Trustee’s the students’ belief in the Intellectual Liberal Orthodoxy is burnt into their minds. They are soldiers now. Soldiers to the Godless Liberal Vendetta against America.
A First Edition Print From The Students For Flunk Day Truth Committee
Demolishing The Truth: Administrative Woe
By the morning hours of classes across campus, many of the committee's posters were curiously missing from their hundreds of posted locations. The dentention of said posters is most likely a response by the administration of Knox College to maintain their cover of the existence of Flunk Day as a true event, rather than its true nature: mass hallucination.
As highly successful and empowered East Coast Ivory Tower Intellectual Liberal graduates, likely faculty candidates for promulgating the capturing of the briefings are Natania Rosenfeld (Princeton, Bryn Mawr), Lynette Lombard (Yale), or Steven M. Cohn (Princeton, Amherst, University of Massachusetts).
Speculation As To The Membership of the Students For Flunk Day Truth Committee
Furthermore, contact numbers for three members of the committee were available on printed posters and searches of the contact numbers began to be performed on Facebook, yielding results for non-philistines and the truth-seeking.
Having received a handwritten note, the publishing office of The Knox Student, like much of the campus, was left in the dark as to the identification of committee members. Unfortunately for former Editor-in-Chief of The Knox Student, Bill Mayeroff, contact attempts for interviews with committee members as identified by posters, were not returned.