Flunk Day 2009

Fuck you, collegians!

Track the (sometimes) elusive Flunk Day throughout Spring term.

Rumors & Scares

The first generally known Flunk Day scare occurred around 4:30 a.m. on Thursday, April 16. Subjects stormed Seymour and the quads with a bullhorn and a hammer to bang on what appeared to be a mini-keg. They were apprehended by two members of campus security on West St. One of the guys was a total dick about it, but the other one was cool.

Sunday, March 1

In a surprise move, Xavier and the Flunk Day Committee may surprise campus with the earliest Flunk Day ever, coming even before Winter Term finals ... Ugh. Too soon?

Sunday, March 29

Ah, the Flunk Day Season has arrived! With the season, of course, come various mostly-unfounded claims about the exact date of Flunk Day. If this is your first Flunk Day Season, do not fall into one of these common ruts when deciding on your predictions:

- Flunk Day is Tomorrow.

- Don't assume that all events on the calenders actually exist.

- Don't rely on the forecast. Rain just helps in the making of the mud pit.

- Don't believe any of the Upperclassmen. Ever.

- On second thought, do listen to the Upperclassmen. Why would they steer you wrong?

- Don't believe any of the Faculty. Ever.

- No matter what Xavier Romano claims, Flunk Day will not be on a Friday.

- The Flunk Day planners will not give you clues as to when the actual day is.

- Everything they say and do may just be screwing with you. Always keep that in mind.

Considering the semi-promising weather we have been having, and after a cursory look at a few schedules, my official prediction for Flunk Day 2009 is Tuesday, April 14th. But that's too early, really. It would probably make more sense if Flunk Day were Wednesday, April 29th, especially considering that the 14th has already passed.

Tuesday, April 14

Obviously, Flunk day was not today.

Wednesday, April 15

A precursor to Xavier Romano's official Flunk Day Letter came today.

---

[From Dean Xavier Romano]

Imagine sometime last evening, a first-year Knox student--thinking themselves rather savvy and seasoned having made it through two terms at Knox--picks up their cell phone and rings me near midnight. Just imagine that.

So...I reach for my cell--of course, thinking there is some "situation" on campus--only to hear a woman's voice asking in earnest and with all seriousness, the following (transcript of the phone conversation): Frightened First-Year (FFY): "Is this Dean Romano?"

Dean X: "Yes..."

FFY: "Dean Romano, is that you?"

Dean X: "Why yes...are you ok?"

(giggles heard in background)

FFY: "So, it is you?"

Dean X: "What do you want?"

FFY: "Is tomorrow Flunks Day?"

Dean X: "You mean Flunk Day? It's not plural."

FFY: "Yes, that's it!"

(turns to others in the room and says...)

"It's Flunk Day and not Flunks Day"

(laughter can be heard in background)

Dean X: "Go to bed. No; tomorrow is not Flunk Day--too cold and not enough Flunk Day scares. Clearly, tomorrow (today) is not the Great Day of Flunk...so, go to bed, do what it is you do, but know that Wednesday is not Flunk Day."

FFY: "Thank you, Dean Romano. You're telling the truth, right?"

Dean X: "Go to bed. On something of this magnitude, would I lie? No--mislead, reshape, rephrase, misquote, or omit intentionally...possibly. Lie? No."

(phone hangs up) But I am reminded to share with one and all Knoxies who dare...the Season of the Flunk has come to Knox College. Be afraid...be very afraid =-O and have a nice day!

-Dean Xavier

The Flunk clock has now started...you are so advised. More Dia de Flunk info coming your way soon...very soon indeed!

---

From this letter, we can conclude three things:

1. Xavier must get a LOT of drunk dials.

2. The First-Years are in desperate need of a committed Scaring.

3. Flunk Day is obviously tomorrow.

In honor of Dean Romano's "coy little wink" from last year... ;)

We can also conclude from Xavier's email that Flunk Day will, in fact, be on May 5. There is nothing on the calendar for May 5, and Xavier threw in the "Dia de Flunk" reference as a clue. What better day for Flunk Day than Cinco de Mayo?

Thursday, April 16th

In possibly the lamest flunk day scare ever, students living in the quads were woken up at 4:45am to hooligans with a megaphone shouting "Come outside it's FLUNK DAY!!" However, due to the fact that today is Admitted Students day, students knew that it could not be flunk day and were annoyed for being woken up at 5 am for no reason whatsoever. Robert David Carey was pissed off. --

Friday April 17

The following email was received from Dean Romano:

Today is NOT Flunk Day

Indeed, today would have been a perfect day for Flunk Day. One glance at the weather, a look toward the sky, and a touch of our Midwest wind, all tell us that today would have been a perfect day for Flunk Day. But no! Admission had to have its Open House with all the "prospies" and their parents around and we've been told to be on our best behavior.

Argue as I may as your loyal and unwavering Dean, I attempted to articulate to both President Taylor and uber Vice President Steenis that had Flunk Day happened today, we would have had 100% fall enrollment of those who were allowed to participate in the Day of the Flunk. The greatest concern, I'm told, was that the parents (aka mother and father of the prospies) would force their sons and daughters to enroll at Monmouth College while they (the parents) enrolled at Knox. Sadly, our housing is not designed for individuals of such amorous relationships that, ultimately, resulted in said prospies.

While it is true that there are those among us who disdain and dislike the Day of Flunk, such as Salleha Chaudhry and Elaine Wilson or even some professors, I am convinced that we can overrun the Villa or their offices, on call, if need be. Be aware that there are some anti-Flunk Day dissenters in our midst!

Wishing one and all a wonderful weekend. Be nice to the prospies and remember that Monday could be "El Dia de Flunk!"

-Dean X

Sunday, April 19

Deana Rutherford, Editor-in-Chief of The Knox Student, received this e-mail from Jenn Snider at 9:41 p.m. on April 19:

Deana, I was wondering when you were going to have the Flunk Day issue of the TKS ready. I know you all had started working on it a while ago, but I haven't seen it yet. I need to have it ASAP if you want it to go out on the big day. Let me know when I can get it from you! Thanks! Jenn

Deana replied to the note stating that Jenn would receive the issue by Tuesday, April 21, and asking if there was a concrete deadline for the issue's receipt. Her weaseling was unsuccessful:

As with all things Flunk Day related, all I can tell you is the sooner the better! Jenn

The week of May 3rd looks particularly suspect. so does the week of April 27th

Wednesday, April 22

12:29AM

Spotted: Flunk day planners at Wal-Mart

Tuesday, May 5

"El Dia de Flunk" is for sure a convincing sign that Flunk Day could happen on this day, but Xavier is not the man to drop hints. Clear schedule yes, but perhaps we are being short sighted. We can be sure that Flunk day will not happen on a Thursday (as the day of happening tends to vary from year to year) so the prospect of Tuesday cannot be denied.

It is nearly certain that an apprehension of Pam, wherein she becomes inebriated and is subject to a fair amount of nitrous oxide, in reality, reveal if May 5th is the day.