Jesus Fucking Christ

As reported in The Knox Student, Jesus Fucking Christ is speaking at commencement in 2008. As a result of recent controversy, J. F. Christ's appearance may be cancelled. J. F. C.'s popularity on Knox campus has been bolstered by the recent controversy, with many more students calling out his name in times of dire distress or boning.

J. Christ

The Article

Jesus Fucking Christ to speak at 2008 commencement

By the Holy Spirit, Official Spokesman for Jesus Christ

Knox College has received a lot of media attention over the past few years for its illustrious commencement speakers. John Podesta '71, President Bill Clinton's chief of staff, has helped Knox to book some of the hottest names in politics, including Barack Obama and Clinton himself. Next year, however, Knox has lined up one of the biggest social and political figures in history: Jesus Christ.

Stephen Colbert, Knox's graduation speaker for the graduating class of '06, was instrumental in convincing Christ to come all the way south from Heaven to Galesburg.

"It did upset me to be upstaged by Clinton, I'll admit, but I don't mind sharing my thunder with Jesus," said Colbert, who has what he describes as a "personal relationship" with the '08 speaker.

"[Christ's agent and Patron Saint of communication] Gabriel has been telling Me I should come out of the shadows sooner or later," said Christ. "I figured a graduation speech would be a nice way to get My feet wet without doing that whole second coming thing." Christ added that He was looking forward to being in a center of learning again, being a retired teacher Himself. He gave the famous "Sermon on the Mount" that has been well documented.

Though Christ is a largely Christian figure, students of all creeds are excited about His visit to Knox.

"I'm an atheist, but I'm also a pacifist," said junior Arb Orhugger ouch., who approves of the college's choice of speaker despite his lack of religious faith. "Do you think he'd do the water into wine trick at the luncheon? Can he do mimosas?"

Other students, however, were not so enthusiastic.

"I would have rather booked Oprah," said sophomore Cap Italist-Pig. "She and Jesus both think they're God, but Jesus probably won't leave us all car keys under our seats."

Although Knox is happy to have Christ on campus, the commencement will be tinged with a bit of sorrow, as Christ will be the last commencement speaker the college will ever have.

"I'm very proud that Jesus Christ has chosen to come to Knox, but He is an impossible act to follow," said President Roger Taylor, who plans to give Christ an honorary degree in theology. "After His coming to Knox, we will have no choice but to close the school."

Controversy

Main article at Flunk Day Issue 2007

According to Roger Taylor, Jesus Fucking Christ's scheduled appearance is controversial among trustees and alumni:

"[A]lumni from outside Galesburg have called the College to express feelings ranging from disappointment to outrage. A trustee telephoned me to say that he was 'embarrassed' to be a Knox trustee and that he had not ruled out resigning from the board."

Hearing

Main article at TKS Hearing

Two charges were filed against the editorial staff of TKS. One by Sue Hulett, Lance Factor, et. al. and the other by Dean Larry Breitborde. A hearing was held on May 24 in front of the Board of Publications. The verdict has been published.

Many others are of the opinion that Roger should just lighten up for Jesus Fucking Christ's sake.

See also:

• Flunk Day issue
• Flunk Day issue 2007
• TKS hearing
• Commencement
• Class of 2008

External Links

• T-shirt (unrelated)