Car

Don't complain.

If you do not have a car, you will make friends with somebody who has a car very quickly. After you become friends with the motorist, it is probable that you will perform certain activities that will cause the car owner to despise you.

Things You'll Probably Do in/with/around Someone Else's Car

• Make them drive to their own surprise birthday dinner.

• Ask them to drive you to Target 8 times a week, to buy soda or a better hat.

• Always tell them you'll reimburse them for gas, but then pay them back in dining dollars.

• Eat Cheeze-Whiz, hot fudge, and powdered sugar in their car.

• Do that irritating door-opening thing, where it takes fifteen minutes to open the door because you're too incompetant to wait for the lock to unlock before you yank the handle. Sometimes, doing so while the person is trying to unlock the car can result in breaking the car door, turning a four-door car into a three-door car.

But don't be afraid of bothering your friends with cars. If they are true friends, they will gladly drive you to Starbucks so you can redeem your coupon, rather than allowing you to step within more than fifty feet of a Galesburg Taxi.

In Albanian, the word "kar" means penis.

Here's a little tune those of you who do not have cars can empathize with:

If I only had a car (sung to the tune of “If I only had a brain” – Wizard of OZ)
If you’re tired of fries and cookies, and you need a different lookie
Of food that’s not subpar
We could all drive to Steak and Shake
whenever we’ve been drunk or baked*
If we only had a car.
When Galesburg ain’t too pretty,
we’ll go to Iowa City
and visit all the bars.
With all the shit you’re drinking,
You’ll put shame to Mr. Lincoln
Keystone is worse by far.
Oh, I could tell you why, if you will hear my lore,
There are things that can’t be bought in G-burg stores
So we’ll shop, and shop some more!
When your classes start to get you, then suddenly it hits you
You’ll want to drive real far.
We could drive and be merry, life won’t be so solitary
If we only had a car.

-*Authors’ note: We do not advocate drinking and/or smoking and driving.