Hipster
An indie music aficionado and modern Bohemian. Not to be confused with hippie.
Hipsters are most famous for being the dead end of western civilization.
Hipsters wear tight jeans and glasses with large frames. They tend toward the unwashed and have an inexplicable attraction for black and white stripes, Chuck Taylors, and choppy or messy hair. They like "having a good time", Pabst Blue Ribbon, coffee, and occasionally smoke cigarettes. All music you enjoy Hipsters had already heard "like, a million years" before you because they are part of the scene. Their wardrobe often combines thrift store finds with expensive pieces from stores such as Marc Jacobs, American Apparel, and local boutiques.
The following rubric will help you to determine and understand what is "hip":
- A. If you don't know about something that a hipster knows about then it's hip.
- B. If you do know about something that a hipster knows about then it's "over."
- C. If you do know something that a hipster doesn't know it's "mainstream bullshit."
- D. If you don't know something that a hipster also doesn't know the hipster will claim their friend told them about it last night, at which point you may apply A.
The Hipster Handbook[edit]
The official, however, slightly outdated guide to hipsterdom is the Hipster Handbook. All students at Knox College are one step closer to hipsterdom than state school kids in that we all attend, "A small liberal arts school whose football team has not won since the Regan administration." There are actually a variety of hipster types, the most common at Knox were the Polit, the Bipster, the Neo-Cruncher. I use past tense because the scene is dead. Or fin, as the handbook would advise me to say.
If you hear two people talking about music that you've never heard of, then there's a good chance they're hipsters. ...Or international students.
Some hipsters still think socialism could work.
Portland, Oregon is a colony of hipsters currently approaching 2 million. Several of its members have found their way to Knox. Some of these Portlanders hate hipsters, leading them to "get the fuck out of there."
Eradication and Prevention[edit]
If you think someone may be turning into a hipster consider sending them to a small village in a third world country, or burn their house down. While difficult to find, the rare substance known as "perspective" is the only known antidote to an early stage hipster infection.
Unlike werewolves silver bullets do not - in fact - kill hipsters. Instead the commonly accepted solution is to strap a hipster down and IV bad coffee (see Folgers) into their bloodstream until the adrenaline spike kills them. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES USE ESPRESSO, THIS WILL ONLY MAKE THEM STRONGER.
